Astronomers are weighing the reclassification of Pluto from a planet to an asteroid, citing its small size (smaller than Earth’s moon) and tenuous position at the very edge of the Solar System.
— news item
The imminent revocation of Pluto’s planetary status has stunned people the world over. Perhaps hardest hit by the news were fourth-graders recently required to memorize all nine planets, including Pluto, although scattered dioramas have already telegraphed a tacit acceptance of the new, abbreviated Solar System. This startling change in one of the most basic categories of knowledge has forced a radical rethinking of all fundamentals, and the following similarly startling pronouncements are pending or in the works at this time:
Great Lakes to Become First Freshwater Ocean
Officials of the U.S. and Canadian Governments today shook hands on a deal that would give them shared ownership of the world’s fifth ocean. The deal will gerrymander the five Great Lakes into a single body of water henceforth to be known as the “Americanadian Ocean,” the planet’s first penta-coastal ocean.
Sixties started in 1963
Historians meeting in a closed-door session at UC Berkeley campus yesterday drafted a proposal declaring the 1960s to be a seven-year period that began in 1963, and not in 1960, as was previously held. This recalculation makes the Sixties — at a mere seven years — the shortest, fastest decade in history. In a related proposal the 1950s were recalculated to include 1960, 1961, and 1962, becoming history’s slowest and longest decade.
Beige, Taupe, Ecru and Mauve Lose Color Status
While the official change is quite recent, mail-order catalog copyeditors had long ago replaced these dull colors with an updated dull rainbow that includes Loam, Bone, Sage, and Dust.
Tropics of Cancer, Capricorn to be Abolished
In a move certain to make Henry Miller spin in his grave, cartographers today agreed that the Tropics of Cancer and Capricorn would be declassified to regular lines of latitude, while the Poles and Equator would be beefed up considerably.
Texas Declares itself Subcontinent
Emboldened by former Gov. George W. Bush’s accession to the U.S. Presidency Texas officials are pushing for a geographically-enhanced title as “The American Subcontinent”. “We’re just too damn big, is what it is,” said one spokesperson. As though to visually underscore their separation from the North American continent, some “Subcontinent or Bust” diehards — armed only with picks, shovels, and bottillas of tequilla and grain alcohol — have already begun digging a moat around the state.
European Maps to Drop Liechtenstein.
Citing its diminutive size and the fact that increasing numbers of schoolchildren have never heard of it, world geographers and cartographers have agreed to drop Liechtenstein from most European maps. Some sources have hinted that Luxembourg’s days may also be numbered.
Avenue of the Americas Again Sixth Avenue
Reversing its widely derided hemispheric appellation, Sixth Avenue will again officially be called “Sixth Avenue,” although people uncomfortable with the change may for a time refer to it as “The Avenue Formerly Known as the Avenue of the Americas.”
Meter and Yard Shake Hands
Throwing a sop to Metric System proponents and detractors alike, officials at the U.S. Office of Weights, Standards, and Measures decided Tuesday to split the difference between the meter and yard, creating a new length, roughly 37.8 inches long. The terms meter and yard can now be used interchangeably, as they often were anyway.
“Casual Friday” Not a Weekday
Greenland Pushes for Continent Status.
Greenlanders, long furious over Australia’s continent status, have begun lobbying for reclassification of their own country as a continent. “Australia’s full of criminals,” said one Greenland official, “and Antartica is a complete joke. There are no people, no roads, no airports, no humans since the dawn of bloody time. It’s an outrage. You might as well declare the moon a continent.”
Moon To Become Spherical Continent
Citing a mass almost identical to that of Asia’s, earth’s moon is slated to soon become the first “non-contiguous” earth continent. “500 years ago, North and South America weren’t on anyone’s maps,” said a spokesperson. “And Antarctica wasn’t declared a continent until the 19th century. Things change. Besides, in this day of jet travel and the internet, 240,000 miles just isn’t as far away as it used to be.”
Tab and Zima Lose Beverage Status
Rutherfordium Kicked Off Periodic Table
“If you can’t see it, smell it, or breathe it” said a senior chemist at Dow Industries, “what’s the point? You can’t in good conscience allow something that existed for one-hundredth of a femtosecond in some underground accelerator to be on equal par with gold and oxygen, for goodness’ sake. ” Californium, Einsteinium, and others are also slated to lose full element status.
Zero not a Number
Dolphin Not Mammal, Poll Says.
Claiming that the decades-long charade of trying to call dolphins mammals has undermined their credibility with students, U.S. high school teachers have acceded to pressure to put dolphins in the fish category. Whales will also eventually lose their mammal status, while penguins will likely be reclassified as walruses with beaks.
Tomato Declared Vegetable Once and For All.
Gerald Ford officially declared U.S. President
Though elected to neither the Presidency, nor the Vice Presidency, Gerald Ford’s tenure at the helm of the U.S. Executive branch will at long last be officially recognized. All asterisks that have appeared next to his name in textbooks will be legally removed.
