Humor
Woody Allen has called some of these pieces "quite funny".
Gretel’s Skull Discovered!
This essay first appeared in New York Times Magazine, 1995.
Scouring the picture-book hills and valleys of his beloved Schwarzwald with the same dog-eared copy of Grimm’s Kinder-und-Hausmaerchen that he has caressed since childhood, Professor Fritz “Fritzi” Ulm has at long last stumbled upon his elusive goal.
Mohandas!
This essay first appeared in The New York Times Magazine, 1995.
So they’ve done mermaids, beauties, beasts, genies and lions. But can Disney make a rousing musical about a bespectacled — not to say bediapered — nonviolent historical figure? Well, you’d better wipe that smirk off your face and buckle your seat belt, because nothing has prepared you for the souped-up surprises and adrenaline-jolting thrills of Mohandas!, Disney’s latest no-holds-barred feature animation chronicling the extraordinary life of India’s political and moral leader — Mohandas (The Mahatma) Gandhi.
La Cosa Nostradamus
The first time I heard of Nostradamus was the night we whacked out Joey Flowers behind Barboza’s butchershop. It was back in the alley near where Salvi Two Noses’ mother used to grow her tomatoes.
That Post-Modernism!
This essay first appeared in The Atlantic, 1987.
Spring will be here in three short months, and with it a new publishing season. At Tantalus & Son, Publishers, that means post-modernism! At Tantalus we offer a large selection of the post-modernest books available. And all of our books are handsomely bound,* easy-to-read,* and modestly priced.
They Were Ahead of Their Time
Purchased by The Atlantic, publication pending.
It is no secret that the great minds of history transcend time, although Pythagoras was a real stickler for punctuality. The issue is complicated. Society’s reactions to its visionaries throughout history has been mixed…
WHEN TITANS CLASH: The James Joyce/Gertrude Stein Feud
(Gertrude Stein) did not want to talk about Anderson’s works any more than she would about Joyce. If you brought up Joyce twice, you would not be invited back. It was like mentioning one general favorably to another general.
–Ernest Hemingway, A Moveable Feast
Kate Buss brought lots of people to the house. She […]
He Ain’t Sneezy, He’s My Brother
This essay first appeared in Regeneration Quarterly, 1996.
Let’s get the facts out of the way: trying to make a living writing humor is an exercise in self-deception on par with toupees and elevator shoes. And don’t let this essay fool you. It’s just forestalling the inevitable. I envision myself pondering the humor writing successes of Laurence Stern and S.J. Perelman as I […]
And to Think that I Saw John Gotti on Mulberry Street
“As I walked to the bus stop one morning last May
at the loveliest hour of a perfect spring day
I was bursting with joy, so I followed my feet
and I took a long shortcut past Mulberry Street…”
Acknowledgements
It has been said that a book represents the efforts of not just its author, but of all who have supported that author during the mysterious process of creativity.
Cigar Dream Journal Contest Winners
The First Annual Cigar Dream Journal Contest has exceeded our wildest expectations. Although our proposal to sponsor a contest of dream journal entries featuring cigars was initially greeted with derision (and then, later, with scorn) we were confident of success from the outset.
More Diplomatic Gaffes And Flub-Ups!
In my meeting with Saddam, I crossed my legs and made a mistake, showing him the sole of my shoe, which is an insult to an Arab. It was expected, according to my translator, that I apologize, but I decided not to. I kept to my talking points, and I think he respected that. I saw the glint of a smile when I didn’t grovel.
Gen-X Bible Quiz!
It’s a sad but well-documented fact that biblical literacy is plummeting. But perhaps the most disturbing factor of this decline is the increasing tendency of so-called Gen-Xers, Slackers, Busters, and young Boomers to confuse trivial popcultural information
Right Under Our Noses!
An original Michaelangelo drawing, estimated at between $10 and $12 million dollars, was recently discovered in an old box of illustrations of lighting fixtures at the Cooper-Hewitt Museum.
Top Ten Hints That You Are Over The Hill
10. When you overhear someone saying that you look middle-aged, you take it as a compliment.
9. You refer to the President of the United States as a “nice young man;” and you refer to the former President of the United States as a “young punk.”
8. You catch yourself actually using the word […]
California Muggin’
The following is a transcript of yesterday’s fractious debate in California among some of the candidates hoping to replace Governor Gray Davis, who is being recalled. On the dais were Arnold Schwarzenegger, Arianna Huffington, Gary Coleman, and Larry Flynt. It begins after they have each been asked to make opening comments…
Regrets
Dear Classmates. I am so sorry I couldn’t be with you this evening for this important reunion! I’ll never forget all our good times together! Anyway, I thought I owed you all an explanation for my absence, and perhaps one of you will read this letter to the Class for me.
The Corrections
A Jan. 17 Op-Ed article about Mark Twain misattributed a phrase about poetic language as the “precision that creates movement.” The author is E.E. Cummings.
— The New York Times, Jan. 28, 2002
* *
A Jan. 28 correction on this page inadvertently misattributed a phrase in a previous article about Mark Twain to the author E.E. […]
Castro Praises Popeye
Fidel Castro’s recent surprising comment on the popcultural icon ìPopeye” (the Sailorman) has in recent weeks spawned a spate of copycat remarks from leaders across the globe, who cite some of their own cultural influences. The following are some highlights:
Our Changing Language
The question of how language came into being has always been among the great puzzles of history. Who spoke first? we ask ourselves. Was there a first word? Did it have “meaning”? Paleo-linguists have long speculated what the earliest attempts at language might have sounded like, and anthropologist at Caltech have even created a computer model to simulate the air traveling through the oddly configured jaw of Paleolithic man.
Pluto Kicked Out of Solar System
The imminent revocation of Pluto’s planetary status has stunned people the world over. Perhaps hardest hit by the news were fourth-graders recently required to memorize all nine planets, including Pluto, although scattered dioramas have already telegraphed a tacit acceptance of the new, abbreviated Solar System.